Almost three weeks since I last added to this. I can honestly say that the last fortnight has been a pretty even playing field. I’ve not felt down down like I have felt lately and the horrible, gnawing anxiety has eased off somewhat. Does that mean I’m getting there? I hope so…. I think so. It’s definately something that can’t be rushed. I was going to go back to work last week but something told me I wasn’t quite ready. I’m using the next couple of weeks to build myself up to going back to work. I’ll have had four months off in total. But I’ve needed this time to get myself on the road to recovery. It’s such a fragile process and cannot be rushed at all. Each day is different and in the early days each day feels like a month. I don’t ever want to go back there to how I felt at the my worst. I know now to take care of me and my mental health. To not let things pile up, to talk about how I’m feeling to those around me.
If you’re reading this and you have felt like I did then stick with life. Carry on, it is worth it no matter how hopeless it sometimes feels. That’s not you…. That’s the illness and thoughts taking hold of you, trying to break you. Don’t give in and don’t give up. No matter how sad, scared, anxious or ill you feel – the people around you would rather have you here alive than not at all.
Week another two weeks have passed since I last posted. I’d say that for half that time I felt pretty positive but over the last week I’ve felt the anger and irritability bubbling up again inside me. Not sure why, it’s not pmt and I haven’t done anything different to what I’ve been doing. My Gp rang me today. I felt worried that my medication wasn’t working did I need to change to something else? She reassured me to keep taking it and to be patient with it and myself. It did put my mind at ease talking to her. I’ve been taking fluoxetine for about twelve weeks now but only eight weeks at the increased dose. Its a slow burner apparently but I just want to feel better now Maybe I never will, maybe this is the best I can ever hope to feel? I really hope not!! Maybe I’m silly for thinking that I’ve day I’ll wake up and not be anxious. Maybe just maybe. Maybe I need to stop over thinking and over analysing every Little. Single. Thing.
Last week I felt invincible, for the most part anyway. This week I feel like I’ve taken two steps back. I’m aware that getting better won’t happen overnight and more than likely won’t be a case of improvement every single day. I know it will take time. Problem is I’m not very patient, not patient at all. Hormones aren’t helping this week. Pmt for me always makes the anxious feelings worse but over the last few months maybe a year it’s got a lot worse. I went shopping earlier and I was constantly jumping at loud noises and cars etc…. Get me back home into my bubble where I’m safe. 🤯🤯🤯
I don’t want to be negative but I do want to be honest about how I’m feeling. I’m still off work and worried about leaving my colleagues in the lurch. Last week when I was feeling like superwoman I’d told my boss that I was planning on going back in a couple of weeks. Since then I’ve worried and ruminated over it constantly. Am I going back too soon? What if people talk? What if people don’t talk to me? Do they know why I’ve been off? Etc etc etc worry worry worry. Aaargh the worry. Such a waste of energy and yet so easy to do. I’m not ready I know that, not yet. Until I’m having more good days than not good days then I need to think of myself. Instead of thinking of everyone else.
Nine weeks taking the fluoxetine now and almost a month on the higher dose. Been a long nine weeks. When I feel like I do at the minute I need to ermine myself how far I’ve come. It’s easy to forget sometimes how much I’ve improved. We are very good at telling ourselves how rubbish and bad we are but not as great as building ourselves up and patting ourselves on the back.
Hopefully next week the hormones will have calmed down and I’ll be feeling a lot more like I was last week 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
Just realised it’s been almost three weeks since I lost posted. I can honestly say I feel so much better. This last week especially, I’ve felt the anxiety has decreased alot. It’s still there but nowhere near like it was three weeks ago. I feel more in control, more positive and feeling like I’m looking forward to the future. Its been a hell of a long time since I’ve been able to say that. It’s a revelation. My mood has improved and I’ve even found myself enjoying being alive. I met up with my friend last week and I explained to her that it’s almost like I’ve started to see life in colour again instead of black, grey and white.
I’m under no illusion that I’m ‘cured’ but for now I’m making the most of feeling like I do. Hopefully this is me turning the pereverbial corner. It’s been a long hard slog to get this far but I’m still here, still fighting.
I’m currently sat in the park watching my kids play in the sandpit. Feel really detached today, which is kind of nice compared to feeling complete panic constantly. Just doing what I can to get through the day the best I can. My kids make me smile and give me hope when I feel like hiding away.
I’ve been thinking lately what caused this blip. Is there ever one particular catalyst? For me I think it’s a lot of things over a period of time. I realise now how unhappy and downright miserable I’ve felt for a long time. I’ve had a busy time at work. I work part time but I try and do as much as possible in that time, sometimes I take on too much. Had an incident at work that caused me lots of extra anxiety for five months. For some it may not have been a big deal but for me it was. It was in my mind constantly. Anyway that’s over with now and I can stop worrying about it – if only it was that way eh??
Like most people I spend a lot of time rushing around. Rushing to get to work. Rushing to appointments and swimming lessons, shopping and other stuff. I hate rushing. I would rather be an hour early for something than ten minutes late, that’s me, that’s what I’m like. When I’m not feeling like this I can cope with my daily routine but right now everything just feels overwhelming. But I’ve made it out with my kids today we’ve been shopping and are now in the park. That’s a big achievement for me.
I went out for food with my friend last night. It was only after talking to her that I realised how far I’ve come these last few weeks.
1. The negative thoughts have (mostly) gone
2. I’ve not been sleeping during the day
3. I’ve not spent hours crying
A lot of this has been because I’ve been in holiday and kids have been off school, I can’t sit around feeling sorry for myself but I also think that the medicating is working, slowly as it might be – it is working. It just proves that taking things one day at a time works. I’m not thinking of how I’ll feel tomorrow or in a month’s time, I’m concentrating on today.
After fifteen days away with the family I’m home sweet home. We’ve had a great time and seen some amazing sights. Scotland was beautiful. I could move there in a heartbeat (job permitting) and Wales was gorgeous but much busier.
I’ve been taking the fluoxetine for a month now, my mood has definitely improved but my anxiety is still (most of them time) overwhelming. Recently this past week I’ve really not liked being around many people. We went to a little seaside town yesterday which was heaving with people. I hated it, felt hot and sweaty and really panicky and just wanted to leave. Even my hubby commented on the fact that I was quite panicky.
My next appointment with my gp is next Monday and I’m hoping then that she increases the dose to 40mg – the usual dose recommended for anxiety, although I’m not sure what to expect regarding the side effects again, at least I know they won’t last forever. The awful thoughts have gone now too thankfully, I don’t want to go back there again. Ever.
So now I’m back to being in a sort of limbo land again…. Surrounded by clothes that need washing and suitcases that need emptying and putting away. This is no good for my brain, it likes things tidy and I’m their place. It will all be sorted just have to take it in small steps.
Hubby is back at work so it’s just me and the kids at home until teatime everyday.
My phone has died…… It’s amazing! Being unreachable is so liberating. I’ve been phoneless for four days now, it couldn’t have come at a better time. No Facebook (I deleted Facebook weeks ago but kept messenger), WhatsApp, texting aargh it’s a revelation. Yes I’m using social media now, my tablet to write this blog but other than that that’s it. I cannot recommend it enough.
I guarantee that phones, tablets, Internet use etc at to our daily stresses and anxieties. We live in a world where everything is immediate and accessible and instantaneous. It’s made us impatient and irritable. We would rather talk to each other via instant messaging than face to face. If we unplugged ourselves from our phones and devices for just a day we would feel the benefit, I feel so much better for not constantly being accessible to everyone.
Leave your phone at home for the day… You will live to see another day.